ok this guy i went to school with posted the blog below - thanks Phil! - and i want to share it with you guys - giving him 100 redit - but because it sooooo put my thoughts into words - i've read it 3 times already this morning and still......
Apparently, it's time to renew the software on my wireless router. Do you wonder why I'm telling you this? Because I just spent over an hour writing my FIRST journal/blog in 4 years. I think it was good. I don't know--that's all relative. Anyway, as I hit 'preview' to view it, the blog preview didn't show up, the router software update page showed up. When I hit back. gone. all of it. I don't have the heart to rewrite it but I'll shoot for a synopsis: Those of you who know me, know that I travel A LOT. I don't travel as much as I used to but I still warm the aisle seat of a Southwest flight 10-12 times a month. Where am I today? I'm in a little town I seem to visit a lot. There's actually nothing here that compels me to visit. It's not exciting, it's not beautiful, it's not even clean most of the time. I'm somewhere between all the things I dreamed of yesterday and the reality of those dreams tomorrow. It's a little town called Complacency...I think it's near Lodi (*wink). Let me try to expalin. When I start working out again, I'm gonna do...When I start writing again, I'm gonna say...When I start singing again...When I start praying again...When I start loving again...When I start breathing again... Have you ever had thoughts like this? I think they grab my attention several times a day. It's like they're all based on the 'when I grow up' mentality. When is that? When do I grow up? I'm living like I'm still in college limbo..."well, I can't move on until I graduate so I'll stay right here". Problem is, I didn't stay. I moved on and I never graduated. I chased a dream, I travelled, I toured, I got married. I cherish every step I took. (My life is beautiful) Funny thing is, I've seen people I love walk across the podium and collect their diploma and they're the same on the other side--no miraculous 'growing up' happend from one set of stairs to the other. So why am I still in this world, this purgatory. I feel like I'm still in a transition place to hold me over until I reach "it". My life's moving on but my dreams aren't keeping up. My dreams to love better, to pray more, to write again, to sing a little, to build a garage, to finish the fence, pond, planter, bonus room, etc. I sit here and think, "when I..." What's wrong with NOW? Why is it "when" instead of now? Africa was good for me, for us. It was a whole month of no cell phone, no on-demand email, not much television. Just me, my wife and our beautiful friends. I was able to rest mentally, spiritually, emotionally and I came back refreshed. But I've already been drawn by the magnet of "...a little town called..." and it's scaring me. I don't want to be where I was before. I want to move on and complete some of those "when I" chapters in my life. We spoke yesterday of those times when you don't want to make yourself exercise. But, when you actually become active, even part of the day, you have so much more energy to attack life. You put off praying and studying but when you actually take the time, your spirit feels refreshed and charged. Somehow, though, the energy, the charge doesn't always encourage you to continue and you fall in a slump again where you're so far detached from the good feelings of a little work that you stay in the town of Complacency and say, "when I..." as if tomorrow may be any different. Does this make any sense? I'm so tired of looking around and thinking of who I'd LOVE to be but I never seem to go for it with any zeal. I think, "when I grow up, I'm gonna be that, or do that or try that" but the point is, I am grown up and I'm continuing to grow. I'm in control of the speed at which I grow. It's not some stroll across a podium for a diploma, it's not having a child, it's not hitting 30 or 40 or 50, it's not signing on your first mortgage. It's now. I'm growing up now, if I let myself. It's almost always easier to hit the 'on' button for your xbox and sit on the couch? It's easier to glide through to your computer and check your mail. It's easier to watch discovery channel and dream of tomorrow than to grow up today. Last week I heard the K9s for the first time in a long time. It was slightly emotional and, if "emotions are the voice of the heart", I felt my heart come alive a little. I've gotta keep giving it gas before it sputters out again. I guess my point is that I'm calling for a coup. The government of this little town needs to be overthrown. Better yet, we need to escape. If you can distract the guards with your hottie grown up legs, I'll take 'em out! I just want to get out of here. I want my fingers to be caloused from the guitar strings. I want my arms to be tired from swinging a hammer. I want my life in order and ready to move forward into God's unknown. I want my heart to come alive. let's go. "...just one more game of halo2 and I'll be right there..." "...just let me check my email real quick..." "...just let me answer this call..." "...just let me be bitter and jaded..." "...just let me get out of this town..."
Apparently, it's time to renew the software on my wireless router. Do you wonder why I'm telling you this? Because I just spent over an hour writing my FIRST journal/blog in 4 years. I think it was good. I don't know--that's all relative. Anyway, as I hit 'preview' to view it, the blog preview didn't show up, the router software update page showed up. When I hit back. gone. all of it. I don't have the heart to rewrite it but I'll shoot for a synopsis: Those of you who know me, know that I travel A LOT. I don't travel as much as I used to but I still warm the aisle seat of a Southwest flight 10-12 times a month. Where am I today? I'm in a little town I seem to visit a lot. There's actually nothing here that compels me to visit. It's not exciting, it's not beautiful, it's not even clean most of the time. I'm somewhere between all the things I dreamed of yesterday and the reality of those dreams tomorrow. It's a little town called Complacency...I think it's near Lodi (*wink). Let me try to expalin. When I start working out again, I'm gonna do...When I start writing again, I'm gonna say...When I start singing again...When I start praying again...When I start loving again...When I start breathing again... Have you ever had thoughts like this? I think they grab my attention several times a day. It's like they're all based on the 'when I grow up' mentality. When is that? When do I grow up? I'm living like I'm still in college limbo..."well, I can't move on until I graduate so I'll stay right here". Problem is, I didn't stay. I moved on and I never graduated. I chased a dream, I travelled, I toured, I got married. I cherish every step I took. (My life is beautiful) Funny thing is, I've seen people I love walk across the podium and collect their diploma and they're the same on the other side--no miraculous 'growing up' happend from one set of stairs to the other. So why am I still in this world, this purgatory. I feel like I'm still in a transition place to hold me over until I reach "it". My life's moving on but my dreams aren't keeping up. My dreams to love better, to pray more, to write again, to sing a little, to build a garage, to finish the fence, pond, planter, bonus room, etc. I sit here and think, "when I..." What's wrong with NOW? Why is it "when" instead of now? Africa was good for me, for us. It was a whole month of no cell phone, no on-demand email, not much television. Just me, my wife and our beautiful friends. I was able to rest mentally, spiritually, emotionally and I came back refreshed. But I've already been drawn by the magnet of "...a little town called..." and it's scaring me. I don't want to be where I was before. I want to move on and complete some of those "when I" chapters in my life. We spoke yesterday of those times when you don't want to make yourself exercise. But, when you actually become active, even part of the day, you have so much more energy to attack life. You put off praying and studying but when you actually take the time, your spirit feels refreshed and charged. Somehow, though, the energy, the charge doesn't always encourage you to continue and you fall in a slump again where you're so far detached from the good feelings of a little work that you stay in the town of Complacency and say, "when I..." as if tomorrow may be any different. Does this make any sense? I'm so tired of looking around and thinking of who I'd LOVE to be but I never seem to go for it with any zeal. I think, "when I grow up, I'm gonna be that, or do that or try that" but the point is, I am grown up and I'm continuing to grow. I'm in control of the speed at which I grow. It's not some stroll across a podium for a diploma, it's not having a child, it's not hitting 30 or 40 or 50, it's not signing on your first mortgage. It's now. I'm growing up now, if I let myself. It's almost always easier to hit the 'on' button for your xbox and sit on the couch? It's easier to glide through to your computer and check your mail. It's easier to watch discovery channel and dream of tomorrow than to grow up today. Last week I heard the K9s for the first time in a long time. It was slightly emotional and, if "emotions are the voice of the heart", I felt my heart come alive a little. I've gotta keep giving it gas before it sputters out again. I guess my point is that I'm calling for a coup. The government of this little town needs to be overthrown. Better yet, we need to escape. If you can distract the guards with your hottie grown up legs, I'll take 'em out! I just want to get out of here. I want my fingers to be caloused from the guitar strings. I want my arms to be tired from swinging a hammer. I want my life in order and ready to move forward into God's unknown. I want my heart to come alive. let's go. "...just one more game of halo2 and I'll be right there..." "...just let me check my email real quick..." "...just let me answer this call..." "...just let me be bitter and jaded..." "...just let me get out of this town..."
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